December Issue

Arsenal veteran for shock return

In what could be a surprise move for existential philosopher Arsene Wenger, a mystery Arsenal veteran is said to be at the club in talks about a surprise return. “We saw him in the Car Park, someone said ‘Is that Charlie George?’ but it didn’t seem possible. Next thing we saw was a seating plan for the New Year’s do with one seat showing just the name ‘GEORGE’. There was some astonishment at that, I can tell you” said an insider at the Club. The board meanwhile are tight-lipped on exactly what George Graham’s new role will be, but “Manager” was one word used behind closed doors yesterday.

England most under-represented country.

In an official ONS report published to coincide with the New Year’s Honours list, statistics now show that English footballers are now the 12^th most populous in the Premier league, behind Brazil, France, Spain, Italy, South Korea, Nova Scotia and the People’s Republic of Congo.

“We are very proud with the findings”, said an FA Spokesman, from his bath chair on Eastbourne pier, “which show we are still ahead of the USA and Germany. This is a great day for all true patriots”.

National Anthems are now banned from matches throughout the top division in respect for Her Majesty.

Legal Challenge imminent

A test case will go before the European Courts imminently to test the notion that all laws be suspended in the world of football, to be replaced by a more principal-based legislative structure based on whimsy, naievety and plain ignorance.

The challenge comes from the unlikely source of FIFA, who argue that certain footballers should be given the right to commit crimes from assault and abuse potentially all the way up to manslaughter with impunity.

“So long as they shake hands after the game, there’s not much harm meant” said the ageing despot.

Power Snooker “shows the way forward” says Blatter

In unrelated news comes a surprise move after witnessing Snooker’s new sensational format, where Sepp Blatter announced he intends to revise soccer to follow from the example of the new “Power Snooker” format.

“This wonderful format is played in seedy looking gambling dens, has ridiculously complex rules and features pretty girls in tight outfits interviewing players immediately after a game, what more could we ask for?” he queried. “Those wonderful Brits have showed us the way yet again”.

Mr Blatter was speaking at the “I love Britain” festival at the request of his good friend Prince Harry and was heard to emit a low whistle when watching the monitors in the green room. “I think his eyes were popping out of his head” said Mr Blatter’s secretary, Michelle Platini, “I can see him going for some of that!”

“The tables were full of merchandise, pack shots everywhere, a visual feast of the trashiest form. It is perfect for our audience” commented Blatter’s commercial director Mr Berlusconi. “We will be asking the King of Qatar if he would approve changes to the football format at the earliest opportunity.

“We will take him”

After denials in the past week from LA Galaxy, Qatar Athletic, and Leeds United, Manchester City have finally received a firm offer for Carlos Tevez from The Harlem Globetrotters. “He may need to grow a few inches but he is our kind of boy” said Sugar-Lemon Dumpling, captain of the legendary touring team.

UK ad sales industry slumps – blamed on complex geo-political interplay

Shares in News Corp, B Sky B and many more plummeted in the final quarter of 2011 after the last teams featuring British players boycotted the so-called ‘European Cup’. However, Sir Martin Sorrell of WPP is blaming foul play in the football world as surprise results in the autumn eliminated the two favourites at an early stage leaving continental teams like Arsenal and Chelsea to fight it out among themselves.

According to Sorrell, the twin moguls of Manchester, US based Glazer family and Sheik Mahomad were operating under strict instructions from the US/Saudi alliance following historic talks in Paris on “intergovernmental” mechanisms for enforcing austerity packages among the 27 nations in the EU.

“Going back to 1973, relations between the Arab oil empires and the US have been strong enough to withstand pressures of many kinds” explained Manchester City kit director Vivian Westwood, speaking as interpreter on behalf of the occupying regime. “A little pressure from the Eurovision countries will not come between us now”.

A similar message was also echoed by good friends and neighbours at Old Trafford where an insider reinforced the sentiment. “We have come to condemn Europe and all it stands for. In particular the Brussels-penned Human Rights act that failed to protect Mister Giggs in his hour of need. Unfortunately it was imperative we take this stand and withdraw both of our teams from Europe as the clearest message yet that we deplore these proposals emanating from Berlin and Paris.”

It is understopod the action was agreed with David Cameron before the Super Wednesday games in question, but Nick Clegg claims no knowledge of the bizarre incident.

Sir Alex Ferguson meanwhile rejected assertions his team are just not good enough to overcome fairly average Swiss opposition. “I refute that altogether. As Roy (Keane) probably doesn’t understand, now that he is (simply) a TV pundit, we were under orders from above”, a message also echoed by Henry Mancini in the OPEC Ground up Oldham Street.

Football Monthly - November Edition

Inside this month’s edition:-

Stuff about football, what did you expect?

Lord Redknapp lifts lid on customer service woes of UK Banking system

Lord Harold Redknapp of Tottenham spoke out yesterday about the real reason for the global banking crisis and what he called “the odious culture of anti-customer service prevalent today”. In an address to The Oxford Union, Old Etonian Lord Redknapp pointed to missed opportunities throughout the banking system. “Take myself for example., I would normally have spent two or three trillion over the course of a summer trading break, yet these past two years I have spent not one single penny, and all because when I called the bank to say my cheque book had run out, I got transferred to a call centre in Delhi, where the lady didn’t even know what a cheque book was.”

The inexorable drip feed of online banking was also held to account as Lord R warmed to his theme, “They asked me to go online cos they was busy, I mean, it ain’t what I want to do wiv my evenings, an I expect a lot better.

Redknap’s remarks were corroborated by Sky Sports executive Andrew Grayling who said “’Arry’s been a staple over the years on transfer window deadline day, but he ain’t been delivering the goods these past couple and I now see what the issue is”

The story also won the surpise backing of the Home Office who said “the single biggest reason for the recent regrettable drop in immigration has mostly been down to our Harry. Normally, he would have two o three hundred thousand a year wading through Customs and applying for Visas but it’s gone real quiet lately an it just feels spooky!”. The Prime Minister, however, urged calm and promised he would get immigration back up to target levels from the current dearth 'in the lifetime of this government'.

David Levy of Tottenhap Hotspur Boys Magazine was unavailabkle for comment, but a spokesman for Mr Levy emphasised that Mr Redknapp had every support from the Board and money was 'available if needed'.

Sunderland – Who Are they?

Recently arriving foreign managers are complaining the FA’s handbook of UK Football Customs is riddled with errors and is missing large swathes of content necessary to run a British Club.

Uwe Rosler hit out yesterday at “great gaps” in the FA’s ‘handbook for Jose’ pointing out there was no entry at all for Sunderland. “I mean, 'ow are ya' supposed to prepare your boys for a game against a club even the FA haven't 'erd of?”, Zogbia whined, drearily.

A spokesman for The FA pointed out they “had to draw the line somewhere” and had enough content “to get you started”.

Rival publishers Playfair accused the FA of a “Wiki-style approach” to publishing, with players and fans writing their own content. “Take the entry on Man City, for example. The first entry is ‘definitely a big club’. I mean, nobody in England would write such drivel”.

“It’s hard enough to motivate the British workforce without having to work against a lack of basic infrastructure” complained Portuguese coach Andre Vilas Boas. “I personally am famous for doing my homework, but I didn’t know Sunderland existed until I saw them getting out of the Team Bus in Stanford Bridge car park. I was slightly embarrassed, to be honest. But luckily there were no English people around so it was a simple curtesy of asking the Sunderland players what they knew and we managed to fill in the rest from the Internet”.

Sir John Terry launches campaign for “Mother Theresa Day”.

Sir John Terry yesterday spoke from his Oxfordshire estate in his autumn broadcast to the nation praising the efforts of charitable workers everywhere and in particular “those women who devote their lives to others”. Terry has promised 1% of his 2012 basic salary to build a Stadium for Women in Mayfair which will offer luxurious living facilities for charitable women and in particular women focusing on green issues, racial and gender equality and gay rights”

“These women are the foundation of the future for us all and I heartily commend them” Added Sir John as he gazed thoughtfully into the fire.

Balotelli chosen as lead role for “It’s a Knockout” the movie.

World famnous Children’s comedian Mario Balotelli was selected from a shortlist of four yesterday to play the lead role in the new Disney blockbuster movie “It’s a knockout” celebrating 50 years of European lunacy and japes.

Mr balotelli, notorious for his sense of fun and merriment simply commented with his uproarious catchphrase from his weekend children's TV show “why always me?”.

Man United player rushed to Swiss medical facility

Manchester United player Bebe was yesterday flown by private jet to a top clinic in Zurich for tests after a training ground incident on Friday.

“There’s nothing to worry about really, it’s all a big fuss the press are making for no reason. I can’t see the sense of it” growled cagey leader Sir Alex Furguson, “I mean you just want your top players fit and raring to go, ready to spend a few weeks on the subs bench, that’s all, so it’s just a precaution really”.

Others at the club were not so relaxed however and one insider broke ranks to confide that “he was definitely heard to cough on the way off the training ground. Some of the boys were worried they might catch it, and one of the agents has called for legal advice.”

Michael Owen tweeted “hoping for epidemic at Carrington then I might get in first team at last.”