Inside this month’s edition:-
Stuff about football, what did you expect?
Lord Redknapp lifts lid on customer service woes of UK Banking system
Lord Harold Redknapp of Tottenham spoke out yesterday about the real reason for the global banking crisis and what he called “the odious culture of anti-customer service prevalent today”. In an address to The Oxford Union, Old Etonian Lord Redknapp pointed to missed opportunities throughout the banking system. “Take myself for example., I would normally have spent two or three trillion over the course of a summer trading break, yet these past two years I have spent not one single penny, and all because when I called the bank to say my cheque book had run out, I got transferred to a call centre in Delhi, where the lady didn’t even know what a cheque book was.”
The inexorable drip feed of online banking was also held to account as Lord R warmed to his theme, “They asked me to go online cos they was busy, I mean, it ain’t what I want to do wiv my evenings, an I expect a lot better.
Redknap’s remarks were corroborated by Sky Sports executive Andrew Grayling who said “’Arry’s been a staple over the years on transfer window deadline day, but he ain’t been delivering the goods these past couple and I now see what the issue is”
The story also won the surpise backing of the Home Office who said “the single biggest reason for the recent regrettable drop in immigration has mostly been down to our Harry. Normally, he would have two o three hundred thousand a year wading through Customs and applying for Visas but it’s gone real quiet lately an it just feels spooky!”. The Prime Minister, however, urged calm and promised he would get immigration back up to target levels from the current dearth 'in the lifetime of this government'.
David Levy of Tottenhap Hotspur Boys Magazine was unavailabkle for comment, but a spokesman for Mr Levy emphasised that Mr Redknapp had every support from the Board and money was 'available if needed'.
Sunderland – Who Are they?
Recently arriving foreign managers are complaining the FA’s handbook of UK Football Customs is riddled with errors and is missing large swathes of content necessary to run a British Club.
Uwe Rosler hit out yesterday at “great gaps” in the FA’s ‘handbook for Jose’ pointing out there was no entry at all for Sunderland. “I mean, 'ow are ya' supposed to prepare your boys for a game against a club even the FA haven't 'erd of?”, Zogbia whined, drearily.
A spokesman for The FA pointed out they “had to draw the line somewhere” and had enough content “to get you started”.
Rival publishers Playfair accused the FA of a “Wiki-style approach” to publishing, with players and fans writing their own content. “Take the entry on Man City, for example. The first entry is ‘definitely a big club’. I mean, nobody in England would write such drivel”.
“It’s hard enough to motivate the British workforce without having to work against a lack of basic infrastructure” complained Portuguese coach Andre Vilas Boas. “I personally am famous for doing my homework, but I didn’t know Sunderland existed until I saw them getting out of the Team Bus in Stanford Bridge car park. I was slightly embarrassed, to be honest. But luckily there were no English people around so it was a simple curtesy of asking the Sunderland players what they knew and we managed to fill in the rest from the Internet”.
Sir John Terry launches campaign for “Mother Theresa Day”.
Sir John Terry yesterday spoke from his Oxfordshire estate in his autumn broadcast to the nation praising the efforts of charitable workers everywhere and in particular “those women who devote their lives to others”. Terry has promised 1% of his 2012 basic salary to build a Stadium for Women in Mayfair which will offer luxurious living facilities for charitable women and in particular women focusing on green issues, racial and gender equality and gay rights”
“These women are the foundation of the future for us all and I heartily commend them” Added Sir John as he gazed thoughtfully into the fire.
Balotelli chosen as lead role for “It’s a Knockout” the movie.
World famnous Children’s comedian Mario Balotelli was selected from a shortlist of four yesterday to play the lead role in the new Disney blockbuster movie “It’s a knockout” celebrating 50 years of European lunacy and japes.
Mr balotelli, notorious for his sense of fun and merriment simply commented with his uproarious catchphrase from his weekend children's TV show “why always me?”.
Man United player rushed to Swiss medical facility
Manchester United player Bebe was yesterday flown by private jet to a top clinic in Zurich for tests after a training ground incident on Friday.
“There’s nothing to worry about really, it’s all a big fuss the press are making for no reason. I can’t see the sense of it” growled cagey leader Sir Alex Furguson, “I mean you just want your top players fit and raring to go, ready to spend a few weeks on the subs bench, that’s all, so it’s just a precaution really”.
Others at the club were not so relaxed however and one insider broke ranks to confide that “he was definitely heard to cough on the way off the training ground. Some of the boys were worried they might catch it, and one of the agents has called for legal advice.”
Michael Owen tweeted “hoping for epidemic at Carrington then I might get in first team at last.”
No comments:
Post a Comment