Classic Cup Final? It really could be...

A lot of idle chatter below the line going on this week between heavily invested parties about the prospects for tomorrow's game. Could it be the most boring Cup Final ever, some fans have asked? Mostly Chelsea fans I suspect but a few "ABU"s too (Anyone But United).
I don't know why they worry. Flowing, expansive Latin football may not be on the menu, even if flowing latin players are, but the old English adorables of 'heat' and 'passion' surely will.
Both terms are used as code for 'mindlessly violent' of course, but also retain their inference of 'sheer physical effort' and 'visible signs of straining every sinew, even when the legs have gone' and they will certainly see plenty of that.
Herrera will play, I predict, to menace Hazard. That you even can check Hazard out of a game so easily also means an early yellow card just passes the baton around the team.
Wilian will be harder to control though, and must be extra motivated to show the boss he's still got it. The boss here being Mourinho, however.
The menacing forward runs of Rudiger will be hard to check too, and with creativity in the centre too, Chelsea must feel they have enough to win.
Their superb performances earlier in the season against Barcelona will take some time to forget. They may have lost the home game but were easily the better side and should have converted one of many chances in that game to go to Spain with a good lead.
They also come primed with one of the top three keepers in the world, so the DDG advantage slims immediately too.
They lost Matic though, and may miss him. He certainly still looks good enough to play for either side though this season has put another year on slightly more visibly, and he will surely not be playing all the games next year.
He is brutal in the clinch though, and not every Chelsea player fancies that kind of encounter.
But of course, Chelsea have N'Golo Conte, who must be the first player any rival team would take from Chelsea, United included.
There will be passion from Chelsea's bench too. Almost laughably extreme displays of Latin passion accompany Conte's every game, so the fans have that too.
On the Red side though, it's true. Mourinho will be briefing the players to take some sting out of the game as quickly as they can, establishing a rhythm they can sustain, and almost inducing a 'European night' pace of slowing the game before inflicting moments of great pace.
He has to decide between Jones and Bailly at the back, but both could feature at some point. His wing-backs are fixed, so the main question in midfield will be whether to start with Matic, Herrera and Fellaini, bringing Pogba on in the 70th minute, or start with Pogba and take the chance.
Jose is conservative, of course, but if he starts with too little attacking threat, it could be a difficult first half.
Either way, the front three present problems of their own. Lukaku may not be fit, or not fully fit, to start with, leaving a question over whether to give Marcus Rashford his dream start at number 9, or the mercurial if sulky Martial. He could pick either to play on the left and switch Sanchez into a false 9 which, with his inverted winger on the left, would occupy N'Golo Kante and make space for the narrow 7 to keep the Chelsea left side more than busy.
My guess is Lukaku will play though, and another Mourinho mindgame laid bare.
Whatever happens, Sanchez has to play, and has to perform for Mourinho too. Not least because of the significant loss of reputation Jose and Ed Woodward suffered after the crazy deal in January.
Board perception is still that the deal was way too expensive and Mourinho's inability to knit his new player into a team that already had two players vying for the left sided role has disrupted several players in other positions. Overall - very poor. If Mourinho leaves Sanchez on the bench, his own position becomes less secure, along with his Chief Executive.
Which leaves only the right sided role to accomodate Lingard or Mata.
I have to confess I can't read the runes on how Jose makes this selection. For me, a teamsheet with Lingard on it would be enough to boost my confidence. Of all the players in either club, Lingard is something different. A tiny figure next to his pals he brings superb movement to the team, knits moves together and opens pockets in the tightest defence.
He is also a big match player and much as I admire Juan Mata, I would play Lingard from the start.
Given all this, clearly I'm rooting for the reds and a couple of goals from the Instagram boys, but that's the red mist talking.
For the neutral i'd say this... a few tetchy tackles early on, an unwarranted red card or a dubious VAR penalty will rule out every plan they've spent the week on, and it could get, as they say round Millwall parts: "a bit interesting". This game does have a few petulant personalities who like to rile and become riled. Ashley Young has history here, Herrera is already anticipated to unleash his own dark arts. Trouble could bubble up, and then you neutrals will have a game too.

Just my rambles. Predict 2-1 to Man U.

Leicester City Dismiss "Best Ever" Football Leader "with the greatest regret"

Sensible folk everywhere were stunned this morning as they awoke to the news Santo Raneiri had lost his job - just six weeks after FIFA, in an unrelated fit of story-diversion, named him "Football Genius of the century".

Thai owner Aiyawatt Srivaddhanaprabha read a grave statement almost in tears recanting how he and his fellow owners had been overwhelmed by regret at being forced to make this "most tragic" of decisions.

"We were literally paralysed with regret" he sobbed. "Being in a position where we had absolutely no choice whatsoever but to fire Leicester's most-successful-ever manager just nine months after he defeated science itself was a nightmare for us."

"You have no idea how devastated we were by our own news" he continued. "Knowing the certain heartbreak and personal devastation we would bring to supporters and pundits everywhere, not to mention a number of Hollywood scriptwriters, but as fate would have it, this was the very task handed to us by God himself".

Sympathy poured forth immediately for the poor Chairman and Board, forced to make such an unpleasant, yet inevitable, decision.

"We weeps for yeh, no mistake" said InterestedBanker123, whilst LinoWalkerLCFC chimed in with "My heart goes out to Thailand, where the suffering must be greatest. We are all behind you!"

Paul Scholes was unmoved, however. "He should never have sold Kante, that was a big mistake."

Meanwhile, fans everywhere stopped still in the street, shaken by the chaotic new world order so recently ushered in, that could yield such a surreal sequence of events.

"Something has changed about this world" mourned one, unnamed soldier "that events so strange might befall us. First Brexit, then Trump and now this?"

Mr Raneiri was unavailable for comment.


*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *


In other news, the Union for Lazy Overpaid and Undermotivated Turdarsed Socceroos (U-LOUTS) were toasting another victory today as Jamie Vardy claimed the award for Least Productive Non-Royal Person in Britain, presented by the Prince of Wales for services to himself. As usual, Footballer of the Year Riyad Mahrez came a close second.

Big Bad Wolf Upset By Criticism

Questions were asked after the performance of “The Three Little Pigs” yesterday in Stoke when the Big Bad Wolf hit back at jeering fans who took to taunting the wolflike character by imitating his gestures in a comedic fashion from the stands. 

“There is something I think very wrong with English society” said the wolf “when a noble French wolf like myself is not shown the respect we deserve. It smacks I think of anti-villainism and makes me sick to the heart. All I am doing is trying to eat the three little pigs, after all. This is simply my role in the pantomime. When I am not at the pantomime I live a normal life and read Proust, just like anybody else”.

The incident came after two of the pigs clashed on the touchline at the end of a disappointiong performance for the Big Bad Wolf, who has seen his side soar to third place in the table with a magnificent run only to start faltering again as the season draws to a close.

Gordon Taylor also backed the wolf in post match comments by insisting “there is too much competitiveness in Football these days. Rival fans should make peace and stage love-ins at the Holt End and The Kop. I feel the spirit of rivalry and competitiveness is an out-dated hangover from Post-Imperialist Britain that has no place in our modern society.

The Premier League chairman, however, was quick to point out “the revenues from the game largely derive from precisely these feelings of intense rivalry and it is profoundly hypocritical of wealthy participants to decry that same quality that has made them rich men.” Unfortunately, is remarks were too sensible for further inspection.

Further questions were also raised throughout the season in the press, however, as name-calling and cock-snooting took on proportions not seen since the previous season. It had been hoped by some that this scourge of the game had been cured by incidents at the Tottenham-Bolton game when Fabrice Muamba was taken to hospital. Realising the seriousness of his situation, fans temporarily suspended their partisan behaviour and well-wishers from all clubs showed great sympathy for Fabrice as he overcame his remarkable ordeal.

“Quite honestly, I thought that would be the end of it” said the Big Bad Wolf, “But I was disappointed to hear on Match of the Day a game between Liverpool and Everton where the crowd were making unsporting remarks about each other’s teams.

Asked for his view, Minister of fun Ed Vaisey said “that guy is stark staring bonkers and lives in a world of fantasy”.

Manchester City - the best team in history?

Debate raged yesterday at the weekly (daily?) get-together of Fleet Street’s finest sports writers in the Dog and Crown, as they considered the motion that Man City are the best team in History – Ever!

Many sportswriters were still applying the eraser ink over the "Barcelona – Best team in History?" articles last week, when they realised they might still be able to use the material. A simple ‘replace-all’, a few switches, for Guardiola read Mancini, for Messi read, erm… oh well, Balotelli, perhaps, and so on. After all, Man City are definitely the best team ever, this week.

They stormed to victory at the weekend against Man United in a thrilling Derby whilst neutrals watched Eastenders in awe at the silky skills and cool headed management style (er…) of the rival Galacticos of North West England.

It was only a few months ago when many predicted Man City would be the new Invincibles and acres of pre-written eulogies were thrown aside by Editors up and down Fleet Street as they tumbled to one lowly opposition side after another.

But one thing is for sure, the debate will rage on! Let’s have another pint!

Nick Clegg finds new role – Rival caught Knapping

To widespread shock and no little indignation last night, the Sports pundits of the Nation were proved wrong (yet again?) as the FA appointed Nick Clegg the new manager of England ahead of the People’s Choice (or journos friend) Dame Harry Redknapp.

In fact, so incensed were columnists everywhere that Dame Henry had been passed over, they downed iPads in protest. Who was this newcomer from nowhere who suddenly held the balance of power in English Football and would choose to wield it so unjustly, probably, without stopping in their Range Rover to speak to every Tuppeny reporter just to crave a little more limelight.

An FA spokesman said “We acknowledge the Media choice was Princess Harry, but in light of the boy’s admission under oath of his  inability to read, write or add up, we felt that might cast a rather sour light on English society and we plumped instead for someone who has won something and managed big teams in the past, and can sign his own name.”

Mister Trevor Brooking denied it was anything to do with the time Redknapp bonked his Missus at the West Ham Christmas Party in 1632.

December Issue

Arsenal veteran for shock return

In what could be a surprise move for existential philosopher Arsene Wenger, a mystery Arsenal veteran is said to be at the club in talks about a surprise return. “We saw him in the Car Park, someone said ‘Is that Charlie George?’ but it didn’t seem possible. Next thing we saw was a seating plan for the New Year’s do with one seat showing just the name ‘GEORGE’. There was some astonishment at that, I can tell you” said an insider at the Club. The board meanwhile are tight-lipped on exactly what George Graham’s new role will be, but “Manager” was one word used behind closed doors yesterday.

England most under-represented country.

In an official ONS report published to coincide with the New Year’s Honours list, statistics now show that English footballers are now the 12^th most populous in the Premier league, behind Brazil, France, Spain, Italy, South Korea, Nova Scotia and the People’s Republic of Congo.

“We are very proud with the findings”, said an FA Spokesman, from his bath chair on Eastbourne pier, “which show we are still ahead of the USA and Germany. This is a great day for all true patriots”.

National Anthems are now banned from matches throughout the top division in respect for Her Majesty.

Legal Challenge imminent

A test case will go before the European Courts imminently to test the notion that all laws be suspended in the world of football, to be replaced by a more principal-based legislative structure based on whimsy, naievety and plain ignorance.

The challenge comes from the unlikely source of FIFA, who argue that certain footballers should be given the right to commit crimes from assault and abuse potentially all the way up to manslaughter with impunity.

“So long as they shake hands after the game, there’s not much harm meant” said the ageing despot.

Power Snooker “shows the way forward” says Blatter

In unrelated news comes a surprise move after witnessing Snooker’s new sensational format, where Sepp Blatter announced he intends to revise soccer to follow from the example of the new “Power Snooker” format.

“This wonderful format is played in seedy looking gambling dens, has ridiculously complex rules and features pretty girls in tight outfits interviewing players immediately after a game, what more could we ask for?” he queried. “Those wonderful Brits have showed us the way yet again”.

Mr Blatter was speaking at the “I love Britain” festival at the request of his good friend Prince Harry and was heard to emit a low whistle when watching the monitors in the green room. “I think his eyes were popping out of his head” said Mr Blatter’s secretary, Michelle Platini, “I can see him going for some of that!”

“The tables were full of merchandise, pack shots everywhere, a visual feast of the trashiest form. It is perfect for our audience” commented Blatter’s commercial director Mr Berlusconi. “We will be asking the King of Qatar if he would approve changes to the football format at the earliest opportunity.

“We will take him”

After denials in the past week from LA Galaxy, Qatar Athletic, and Leeds United, Manchester City have finally received a firm offer for Carlos Tevez from The Harlem Globetrotters. “He may need to grow a few inches but he is our kind of boy” said Sugar-Lemon Dumpling, captain of the legendary touring team.

UK ad sales industry slumps – blamed on complex geo-political interplay

Shares in News Corp, B Sky B and many more plummeted in the final quarter of 2011 after the last teams featuring British players boycotted the so-called ‘European Cup’. However, Sir Martin Sorrell of WPP is blaming foul play in the football world as surprise results in the autumn eliminated the two favourites at an early stage leaving continental teams like Arsenal and Chelsea to fight it out among themselves.

According to Sorrell, the twin moguls of Manchester, US based Glazer family and Sheik Mahomad were operating under strict instructions from the US/Saudi alliance following historic talks in Paris on “intergovernmental” mechanisms for enforcing austerity packages among the 27 nations in the EU.

“Going back to 1973, relations between the Arab oil empires and the US have been strong enough to withstand pressures of many kinds” explained Manchester City kit director Vivian Westwood, speaking as interpreter on behalf of the occupying regime. “A little pressure from the Eurovision countries will not come between us now”.

A similar message was also echoed by good friends and neighbours at Old Trafford where an insider reinforced the sentiment. “We have come to condemn Europe and all it stands for. In particular the Brussels-penned Human Rights act that failed to protect Mister Giggs in his hour of need. Unfortunately it was imperative we take this stand and withdraw both of our teams from Europe as the clearest message yet that we deplore these proposals emanating from Berlin and Paris.”

It is understopod the action was agreed with David Cameron before the Super Wednesday games in question, but Nick Clegg claims no knowledge of the bizarre incident.

Sir Alex Ferguson meanwhile rejected assertions his team are just not good enough to overcome fairly average Swiss opposition. “I refute that altogether. As Roy (Keane) probably doesn’t understand, now that he is (simply) a TV pundit, we were under orders from above”, a message also echoed by Henry Mancini in the OPEC Ground up Oldham Street.

Football Monthly - November Edition

Inside this month’s edition:-

Stuff about football, what did you expect?

Lord Redknapp lifts lid on customer service woes of UK Banking system

Lord Harold Redknapp of Tottenham spoke out yesterday about the real reason for the global banking crisis and what he called “the odious culture of anti-customer service prevalent today”. In an address to The Oxford Union, Old Etonian Lord Redknapp pointed to missed opportunities throughout the banking system. “Take myself for example., I would normally have spent two or three trillion over the course of a summer trading break, yet these past two years I have spent not one single penny, and all because when I called the bank to say my cheque book had run out, I got transferred to a call centre in Delhi, where the lady didn’t even know what a cheque book was.”

The inexorable drip feed of online banking was also held to account as Lord R warmed to his theme, “They asked me to go online cos they was busy, I mean, it ain’t what I want to do wiv my evenings, an I expect a lot better.

Redknap’s remarks were corroborated by Sky Sports executive Andrew Grayling who said “’Arry’s been a staple over the years on transfer window deadline day, but he ain’t been delivering the goods these past couple and I now see what the issue is”

The story also won the surpise backing of the Home Office who said “the single biggest reason for the recent regrettable drop in immigration has mostly been down to our Harry. Normally, he would have two o three hundred thousand a year wading through Customs and applying for Visas but it’s gone real quiet lately an it just feels spooky!”. The Prime Minister, however, urged calm and promised he would get immigration back up to target levels from the current dearth 'in the lifetime of this government'.

David Levy of Tottenhap Hotspur Boys Magazine was unavailabkle for comment, but a spokesman for Mr Levy emphasised that Mr Redknapp had every support from the Board and money was 'available if needed'.

Sunderland – Who Are they?

Recently arriving foreign managers are complaining the FA’s handbook of UK Football Customs is riddled with errors and is missing large swathes of content necessary to run a British Club.

Uwe Rosler hit out yesterday at “great gaps” in the FA’s ‘handbook for Jose’ pointing out there was no entry at all for Sunderland. “I mean, 'ow are ya' supposed to prepare your boys for a game against a club even the FA haven't 'erd of?”, Zogbia whined, drearily.

A spokesman for The FA pointed out they “had to draw the line somewhere” and had enough content “to get you started”.

Rival publishers Playfair accused the FA of a “Wiki-style approach” to publishing, with players and fans writing their own content. “Take the entry on Man City, for example. The first entry is ‘definitely a big club’. I mean, nobody in England would write such drivel”.

“It’s hard enough to motivate the British workforce without having to work against a lack of basic infrastructure” complained Portuguese coach Andre Vilas Boas. “I personally am famous for doing my homework, but I didn’t know Sunderland existed until I saw them getting out of the Team Bus in Stanford Bridge car park. I was slightly embarrassed, to be honest. But luckily there were no English people around so it was a simple curtesy of asking the Sunderland players what they knew and we managed to fill in the rest from the Internet”.

Sir John Terry launches campaign for “Mother Theresa Day”.

Sir John Terry yesterday spoke from his Oxfordshire estate in his autumn broadcast to the nation praising the efforts of charitable workers everywhere and in particular “those women who devote their lives to others”. Terry has promised 1% of his 2012 basic salary to build a Stadium for Women in Mayfair which will offer luxurious living facilities for charitable women and in particular women focusing on green issues, racial and gender equality and gay rights”

“These women are the foundation of the future for us all and I heartily commend them” Added Sir John as he gazed thoughtfully into the fire.

Balotelli chosen as lead role for “It’s a Knockout” the movie.

World famnous Children’s comedian Mario Balotelli was selected from a shortlist of four yesterday to play the lead role in the new Disney blockbuster movie “It’s a knockout” celebrating 50 years of European lunacy and japes.

Mr balotelli, notorious for his sense of fun and merriment simply commented with his uproarious catchphrase from his weekend children's TV show “why always me?”.

Man United player rushed to Swiss medical facility

Manchester United player Bebe was yesterday flown by private jet to a top clinic in Zurich for tests after a training ground incident on Friday.

“There’s nothing to worry about really, it’s all a big fuss the press are making for no reason. I can’t see the sense of it” growled cagey leader Sir Alex Furguson, “I mean you just want your top players fit and raring to go, ready to spend a few weeks on the subs bench, that’s all, so it’s just a precaution really”.

Others at the club were not so relaxed however and one insider broke ranks to confide that “he was definitely heard to cough on the way off the training ground. Some of the boys were worried they might catch it, and one of the agents has called for legal advice.”

Michael Owen tweeted “hoping for epidemic at Carrington then I might get in first team at last.”