Big Bad Wolf Upset By Criticism

Questions were asked after the performance of “The Three Little Pigs” yesterday in Stoke when the Big Bad Wolf hit back at jeering fans who took to taunting the wolflike character by imitating his gestures in a comedic fashion from the stands. 

“There is something I think very wrong with English society” said the wolf “when a noble French wolf like myself is not shown the respect we deserve. It smacks I think of anti-villainism and makes me sick to the heart. All I am doing is trying to eat the three little pigs, after all. This is simply my role in the pantomime. When I am not at the pantomime I live a normal life and read Proust, just like anybody else”.

The incident came after two of the pigs clashed on the touchline at the end of a disappointiong performance for the Big Bad Wolf, who has seen his side soar to third place in the table with a magnificent run only to start faltering again as the season draws to a close.

Gordon Taylor also backed the wolf in post match comments by insisting “there is too much competitiveness in Football these days. Rival fans should make peace and stage love-ins at the Holt End and The Kop. I feel the spirit of rivalry and competitiveness is an out-dated hangover from Post-Imperialist Britain that has no place in our modern society.

The Premier League chairman, however, was quick to point out “the revenues from the game largely derive from precisely these feelings of intense rivalry and it is profoundly hypocritical of wealthy participants to decry that same quality that has made them rich men.” Unfortunately, is remarks were too sensible for further inspection.

Further questions were also raised throughout the season in the press, however, as name-calling and cock-snooting took on proportions not seen since the previous season. It had been hoped by some that this scourge of the game had been cured by incidents at the Tottenham-Bolton game when Fabrice Muamba was taken to hospital. Realising the seriousness of his situation, fans temporarily suspended their partisan behaviour and well-wishers from all clubs showed great sympathy for Fabrice as he overcame his remarkable ordeal.

“Quite honestly, I thought that would be the end of it” said the Big Bad Wolf, “But I was disappointed to hear on Match of the Day a game between Liverpool and Everton where the crowd were making unsporting remarks about each other’s teams.

Asked for his view, Minister of fun Ed Vaisey said “that guy is stark staring bonkers and lives in a world of fantasy”.

Manchester City - the best team in history?

Debate raged yesterday at the weekly (daily?) get-together of Fleet Street’s finest sports writers in the Dog and Crown, as they considered the motion that Man City are the best team in History – Ever!

Many sportswriters were still applying the eraser ink over the "Barcelona – Best team in History?" articles last week, when they realised they might still be able to use the material. A simple ‘replace-all’, a few switches, for Guardiola read Mancini, for Messi read, erm… oh well, Balotelli, perhaps, and so on. After all, Man City are definitely the best team ever, this week.

They stormed to victory at the weekend against Man United in a thrilling Derby whilst neutrals watched Eastenders in awe at the silky skills and cool headed management style (er…) of the rival Galacticos of North West England.

It was only a few months ago when many predicted Man City would be the new Invincibles and acres of pre-written eulogies were thrown aside by Editors up and down Fleet Street as they tumbled to one lowly opposition side after another.

But one thing is for sure, the debate will rage on! Let’s have another pint!

Nick Clegg finds new role – Rival caught Knapping

To widespread shock and no little indignation last night, the Sports pundits of the Nation were proved wrong (yet again?) as the FA appointed Nick Clegg the new manager of England ahead of the People’s Choice (or journos friend) Dame Harry Redknapp.

In fact, so incensed were columnists everywhere that Dame Henry had been passed over, they downed iPads in protest. Who was this newcomer from nowhere who suddenly held the balance of power in English Football and would choose to wield it so unjustly, probably, without stopping in their Range Rover to speak to every Tuppeny reporter just to crave a little more limelight.

An FA spokesman said “We acknowledge the Media choice was Princess Harry, but in light of the boy’s admission under oath of his  inability to read, write or add up, we felt that might cast a rather sour light on English society and we plumped instead for someone who has won something and managed big teams in the past, and can sign his own name.”

Mister Trevor Brooking denied it was anything to do with the time Redknapp bonked his Missus at the West Ham Christmas Party in 1632.